20230311 20:09

hey all. this is goodbye from me. i've largely recovered from what i was suffering from when i was making this website. i live elsewhere now and i am in the process of moving on from being in an abusive environment for such a long time. i really like this website and would probably continue to work on it if the circumstances were correct, but at this point i'd like to allow it to become a little time capsule.

i just wanted to make a final post on this blog and talk briefly about how i am doing. i am not suicidal at all anym more. i managed to come off all the medication i was on including the stimulants. i don't even need to self-medicate. my running hobby is going well, i usually do a 5k every second day. without amfexa in my system all the time i'm able to wake up early, so i usually get up at about 7, have my porridge with maple syrup, go for a run in the local park, and listen to the early bird show on NTS in the shower after i get back. my flatmate gave me a bicycle that she'd been given but had never once used, which means i cycle everywhere and no longer have to pay for public transport. which is important because i'm still unemployed during a cost of living crisis

i am no longer anaemic. which i know because i gave blood last month! apparently my blood type is AB+. somehow i always had the feeling i was AB.

i am discovering that i have family. i am in touch with my father. my relatives are very similar to me and we get along very well. i'm not sure about "my dad" yet but we have exchanged a couple of emails and it is promising.

i dislike living in the specific corner of london i've moved to, but i love my housemates, and they don't maintain or even use the garden at all, so i've been given free rein (i am not oging to look up whether i used the correct spelling of that word) to clean it up and plant whatever i like. i'm currently germinating 3 trays of seeds, all local wildflowers. i have a lovely spacious room with a big window. you can see the overground station from my bed. sometimes you can hear the tannoy.

occasionally i play the games i used to have delusions about. moderation feels precious to me. i will never love LSDDE or klonoa DtP any less than i always have, but i no longer reside in those worlds. i still love my PVM. hobbies are less insane and obsessive now that i have quit the stims. my adhd symptoms are irritating unmedicated but that's life and i don't care.

currently growing mushrooms in my cupboard

never quite managed to let the reading become an ingrained habit last year but i'm getting there. you can still recommend novels to me if you want.

my phone got ran over by a car when i was cycling in CoL so i'm using a blackberry curve which cannot use any internet based services. it's fun in my opinion. the ipod shuffle is a great bit of hardware.

most importantly for me these days, i get to talk to whoever i want. i can see whoever i want and love whoever i want. i can sleep whenever i want. i don't have to keep narcotics in the house, or stims, or even propranolol. i go to bed as early as i want and i actually fall asleep. i can't express how grateful i am to have failed at killing myself.

the email address i linked in previous entries no longer works because i couldn't afford to renew the domain. in the rare instance that you might like to contact me, use 0098@disroot.org.

i hope life is treating you with respect.

love, m

20220828 16:41

i'm about to go for run #16. i submitted my paperwork for moving in with joelle. i've nearly finished reading the novel they gave me for christmas a few years ago. i hung out with my cousin all day yesterday and he refers to my mum as "an abuser" which is baffling to digest. i was sick for about a week, and it felt like covid but then i recovered quickly

my "family" all care about me, and it's like i''ve stepped into an alternate universe, it's challenging despite how grateful and optimistic i feel

i am down to just 75mg pregabalin, which is half the recommended starting dose for my diagnosis - i could probably drop it completely but i don't really feel the need as i think it helps with the fallout from adhd stimulants during the daytime, and doesn't appear to be causing side effects.

bloods came back and i am anaemic which explains several useful things. the iron supplements do have unpleasant side effects, so i', only taking one tablet per day as opposed to the prescribed three. my doctor said i should just go with whatever i can handle, as it is apparently common for people not to tolerate them well. all in all, i'm glad to be taking far less medication overall (although there is this illusion of the opposite being true, since i'm taking various general supplements now.)

foot is still getting periodically infected and it's been impacting my running so i'm going to consider paying to see a private podiatrist (meaning no 6 month waiting list) once i have settled into my new place.

one of my future housemates has a little dog and she's funny. i'm going to finally keep magic potion armadillidium (pill bugs) once i'm out of here.

all in all,i continue to recover.

i'm listening to english folk music today. do you like folk music? do you have any novels to recommend? shoot me an email at msg@chao.email to discuss whatever fun things you'd like to talk about.

20220701 20:52

today marks my sixth run. my left knee was sore because of some other exercises i did yesterday, so i need to be careful with those. i've never had joint pain before. my stitches have been under control so far, which is probably due to the supporting exercises. when i feel it coming back, all of the normal solutions work. i think that they got unbearable the first time i did c25k during the week that includes 5-minute runs. i'm taking care to be attentive and use my core to support myself without trying to "power through" pain every time.

i've also gone from 300mg pregabalin daily to 200mg, but the transition was challenging. i'd like to drop another 100mg but i don't think it would be a good call. i need to contact my doctor so i can taper by 50mg next without having to redistribute the contents of the capsules using my milligram scale and empty gel caps like a fucking drug dealer.

after my run today, "Ending Theme" from the klonoa soundtrack came on shuffle. i realised i didn't want to cry in the public park and decided not to listen to it, but then i realised i was already streaming tears due to dry eye and running in the cool weather, so i listened to it anyway. i stared at the clouds in the cricket field and felt like i was in the real world. i did not cry.

j is gone and that's fine. they seem to be doing ok. i realised earlier that i've been blocked, which is a good idea.

regardless of that, i feel like a completely different person to whoever wrote my previous entries. back then, i was still klonoa. i've left phantomile, and have ended up in a body & life that i don't connect to anymore, but it feels like a realistic disconnect stemming from explicable circumstances rather than a delusional depersonalised state. i might retroactively categorise or file away different chunks of writing into chapters.

i don't really relate to much of this site at all, though.but i don't feel a particularly significant need to change it. i might move to a different account or something like that, when i feel like it. email me at msg@chao.email if you would like my contact information.

oh and my molar finally cracked in half, so i'm struggling to eat and can't use the water flosser on it anymore, which is really troublesome. i have lots of appointments to book, and things like that.

i hope my nice mutuals here are doing well. obviously i have not updated this site in a good few months, but even on my regular social media i have been radio silent. it has undoubtedly pissed off the guy who commissioned me in may. he can fucking cope; separating from your long-term partner and withdrawing from pregabalin are not things i feel the need to justify. also, just fucking resize the images yourself.

i've been considering making contact with my absentee father, and obviously my mother has no desire to help, but whatever. all i really want is to know (about) my personal history. my mother revealed to me that i have an aunt on that side. apparently she was kind.

20220429 20:03

i really fucking hate this room. i hate this fucking room.

20220427 14:00

one day i am going to regret everything so viciously and i have no one to blame but myself

i'm sorry for letting you all down

i wish i did not have to feel hungry

20220407 23:46

ithas been along break. i haven't seen any of you and your websites in a while and i wish you all well. truly

it's been a very traumatuc year which came to a head in early march when things came to a head with my mother, and i don't want to post in too much detail for the sake of my partner's privacy ,but my mother is a deeply manipulative pathological-victim,and created antother Ambulances And Cops situation for her to control, making j forcibly homeless through her use of narrative-twisting and privilege. i wish i had someplace to vent,discuss this at all, and i don't quite feel safe here in the way i have done;i shared this website with my best friend who shared it with a close friend of his (love you both lots if you ever do visit again) and while i trust him with anything it has dismantled the sense of freedom and anonymity that i had found here.however, the freedom was therapeutic only as i had the illusion of confidentiality - in the end,this is actually a public web site and there are other ways to use this space, and other places to find the (real) confidentiality to write that i feel i need.(therapy..) yet, i may continue to post..

perhaps one thing "good" that came of this is that i have made contact with my "family". i have considered myself "without family" for a long time. it seems as though through my aunt passing (who i unfortunately only met once as a small child) i was able to contact the single "family member" i knew (..the only one who my mum approvded of and did not isolate me from,my cousin, who 24 years older than me) .. since then, i have realised i have at least one uncle and one aunt who have thought of me over the years,despite me never having met them, and due to their knowledge of my mother's behaviour,have been worried for me, and expressed that they would support me in any way i needed..

i have yet to reach out because i'm afraid and these people are strangers to me...but i need human relationships very much right now, especially people who believe me,about my mums vindictive and insane behaviour..and i am looking forward to getting to know them. my aunt (this use of language is foreign to me lol) apparently looked after me for the first 1 year of my entire life..

onto other, possibly mundane things..i'm recovering from covid, which has been miserable but short-lived, especially compared to the mysterious throat infection i developed at the end of last year. regardless i'm almost back to normal. it has in some way been a kind of relief from having to address the deep terrors that constitute "real life". my priorities for the near future are to try to create,or maintain, personal relationships, treasure them,support my partner in homelessness, pack all the shit in this room (including their leftover things) and try to gently take my life back, a bit. see you soon

20220225 02:11

watching j play melee on my wii to unlock pichu for me. pichu is one of my favourite pokemon in the world.

20220215 08:39

i'm sitting in front of a white window covered in condensation trying to ingest as much sunlight as possible.

20220212 22:38

crashed for over a week obviously

i find myself every time with nothing to say to anyone and an inability to do anything for any reason. a friend called, concerned about me. another friend has texted me about local healthcare which is very easy to respond to (much more than anything that has to be about how i am or "what" is "going on"). i still have not responded to either of them. i'm worried about the potential side effects of pregabalin after reading fearmongery extreme-case-saturated subreddits when trying to find resources for disordered sleeping. i am confused and foggy almost all of the time with the inevitable added effects of either being on amfexa (undernourished and underslept, but more able to address life) or recovering from being on amfexa (no strength or willingness to speak or move). sometimes i come across these moments where i feel like i am able to "do" something while not taking my amfexa and it feels like i am on autopilot if i indulge in the usually fantastical idea that i can function, and i walk away feeling dazed and like an actor in a special dream. i still think all of this is better than being on citalopram. and if it isn't then at least i'm not trying to kill myself all the time in ways that are disruptive to the people around me.

anyway the government have suddenly decided that i am "actually" unfit for work after 2 years ofhaving had to work against the system and i have received backpay for that period. i am probably writing this here because i know that no one i know in person is likely to see it. it makes me really want to kill myself and donate its entirety but killing myself is not allowed and neither is thinking about it. pregabalin helps with accepting that. i need a therapist desperately and should use this money that i haven't had for 2 years to pay for private therapy that can possibly help me to be fairly normal. ultimately i would like to have a job that can ameliorate my crushing, pervading, parasitic feelings of utter worthlessness, but i recognise that it would be a plaster on a flesh wound. i grew up covered in highly effective plasters, however.

20220203 19:02

yesterday was normal.

20220130 06:38

lately i've been discovering some websites on neocities that people use as anonymous diaries or blogs, sometimes with accounts that are just named random strings of numbers, sort of like mine, usually 5 or 6 digits. i always wonder what people think about when they decide on their numbers. i am shallow, so for me it usually revolves around the way the numbers look together. i like the numbers 0, 1, 8 and 9 the most, even though i decided that my "favourite number" or "lucky number" was 4 when i was a child and have felt an obligation towards it ever since. i think the number 4 represents me quite well, because it represents a square to most people. i grew up a very square person and still consider myself as such. when i see other people's numbers, usually it reminds me immediately that i am both shallow and square, and i feel inferior and stupid. it's like how my twitter account started out as a different 6-digit number and as more people followed me i changed the @ in order to make my art more accessible and thus more easily marketable. thinking about this exhausts me since it sends me straight into the vicious cycle of "your only remaining skill is artistically meaningless" -> "i am living off government benefits, it would be a selfish waste not to try to make use of such a skill" -> "who cares, capitalising on self-expression corrupts it"

i haven't really drawn anything meaningful to me in a long time, such a long time that i couldn't even name the last piece that i made that i cared about and thought of as a sincere attempt. it's funny, because i've made almost a dozen little drawings for my (paper) journal, but 1. they effectively only serve the purpose of covering the text, not even for its content, but because i feel visually stressed by bad handwriting, a poorly matched pen line width with the paper ruling, etc; 2. i can never, ever think of anything to draw from memory, let alone from my heart, so i draw the things in front of me. in front of me i keep a small collection of (usually transparent) plastic objects that i like - a minifigure of the bruna rabbit, my favourite pocketstation with culumon in it, two sylvanian families, and a fidget cube because i am r worded. my point was that i've ended up with half a dozen drawings of (what happens to have ended up being a widely popular) sylvanian families minifigure. it just represents perfectly to me how shallow i am, and if i am not shallow, how shallow i end up being out of a lack of whatever else is supposed to be there, or used to be there, or possibly was never there.

it's now 07:06 and it's now 07:12, because it really took six minutes for me to think of a way of describing the colour of the sky, having just thought and wrote about how meaningless the things that i make are. for whatever reason just using the word "purple" made me feel stupid, but replacing it with anything else at all made me feel worse, because nothing looks more stupid than a stupid person trying to make themselves look like they aren't stupid.

sunrise is getting earlier and it is one of hte few things that makes me feel like the future is real. it has been a very very horrible winter.

20220129 18:32

i woke up to j coming into the room with coffees from a somewhere outside saying "it's 4:42pm!". how is it that i woke up at 10:00 yesterday, went to sleep at midnight, and then woke up at 4:42pm today? is it my medication? is it the fact that i am too physically inactive? is it psychological? is it a god of some kind telling me that i deserve to feel terrible? why did my body feel the need to sleep for nearly 17 hours

i've just read my blog post from yesterday and it's unbelievable how foggy my memory of writing it is. i don't know why that is either -- i mean -- this time it was probably the fact that i had taken ambien the night before, but it's not uncommon anymore for me to just have no memory of things i've posted or done, or of entire days passing. what's funny to me though is that i completely failed to elaborate on the last part where i briefly mention collapse before calling it a day with the post. what i meant was that i would rather be unemployed ("a burden to society") while doing some kind of community work than be employed at a job which was created for the purpose of being a job, not because it is necessary for society to function either at large or at a community scale. lol

anyway, i'm neither employed nor doing anything that benefits anyone, so i've had enough of talking about things that send me into an incoherent spiral. unfortunately though it's hard to avoid that, because "posting about my day" usually consists of "i just woke up at X time, why is my body so fucked, i feel like shit for Y reason", then realising that this is all i ever have to say about "my day", so i'd move on to talking about my interests and the things that i do get up to (ie. obscure japanese ps1 games made for kids, virtual pets, fictional creatures, stuffed animals, hardmodding/softmodding games consoles, stationery), which usually sends me back into the spiral of feeling terrible about myself for being unemployed and wasting society's time. this is my neverending vicious cycle! i hope that it will end once i find some way to "earn" the money i receive. maybe then my interests will become interesting and not the contemptible self-indulgence of a NEET.

the ambien has run out now anyway so hopefully any of my future posts here are less embarrassing than they have been so far.

something peculiar that i was just thinking about is the fact that i am 26 years old in a few days but it has felt like i've been 26 for almost the entire time that i've been 25. it's like i skipped being 25 completely. i can't figure out why this is. maybe the transition from "early 20s" to "late 20s" had the kind of impact on me that caused me to subconsciously overcompensate. i find it sort of convenient, because it's almost like i don't have to feel bad about getting "older" and "still being useless". it's more like, happy birthday, you are the same age and the same amount of useless as before, so don't worry!

20220128 10:58

it's a miracle that i woke up before noon without any alarms. the thing about ambien is that you do get a good night's sleep, unlike sleep aids such as promethazine which are over-the-counter but will leave you immobile at 16:00 the following afternoon if you take too much even if you are not a NEET and have a normal bed time which people respect (it happened to me when i started to go insane, 3-4 years ago, i was writing my dissertation at the time). the dissertation has no personal or academic value whatsoever because i was studying at a music conservatoire -- soon after enrolling i realised my only motivation to attend was "family pressure" (from my mother, i don't know any other people related to me). i switched from the contemporary classical composition course to the electronic music course and focused on technology as much as i could but effectively, my opportunity for "free" state-funded education was wasted as i just spent as much time as possib;e trying to achieve a 1:1 as i knew that receiving a first for that charade of a course was the only way it would have any value to "society" as it was a prestigious institution. of course, this also ended up not being true, as i want nothing to do with music or music technology, and the fields i have discovered that i truly have interest in (after years of laboured self-questioning) are all in STEM and any employment or training which could grant me an entryway would scoff both at my general skill set and the degree qualification itself.

at least during this time i've had the opportunity to pursue things that are of value to me without the concern of having to put them on my CV, such as spending hundreds of hours on LSD: dream emulator, completing klonoa: door to phantomile to 100% 7 times, not making music, kumihimo, being able to sell home made prints of drawings (if you recognise me no you dont), making web pages under no impression that i am good at coding, losing any delusion that i ought to be respected or seek respect, etc.

most of what i have "had the opportunity" to do however is lose my entire in-person social circle, become increasingly insane, deteriorate physically and mentally, become dizzy when i move or stand, become forgetful, experience medication withdrawals and changes constantly, stop reading books, watch my meagre student finance savings disappear because government benefits don't provide enough to live off, develop a complex that revolves around the fact that i don't have a job and feel crushingly useless and inferior to almost every other person who is still in my life. yet, i'm unable to get up and find employment. my GP has deemed me "unfit for work" and my work coach at the job centre is concerned with domestic violence at my home rather than helping me find work. additionally, the types of employment suggested to me in the past had a tendency to be things like "data entry", which i do not think i could do even if given the opportunity, since i have become obsessed with collapse and don't feel that anything other than learning a practical skill will be tolerable, i will just kill myself; i would much rather be a burden to society in a way which benefits a community.

i had a black coffee and a stroopwafel for breakfast which feels lke it should be inoffensive to my stomach but i'm already naueous and fighting the urge to go back to bed.

20220128 04:25

we were watching raw episodes of pokemon on wiimc-ss because they were the only files that would work and then i decided i neededto watch the episodes with baby lugia (i believe 222-224) but we only got past one episode before my mother decided that it was time to be very mentally ill and send a foul text sending me into an undignified spiral of feeling that i am not deserving any thing!!!! no more lugia videos!!!!! j was there and my lugia Mochy yes i amm 26 were there i dedided to spend the time on archive.org looking at american pc programs that were uploaded for children that feature lugia on the front cover Lol. i took some photographs of the CRT at the nice frame where lugia and silver are rubbing their heads. ambien has a terrible (evil) habit of insisting that you take more than you need to take . i have just taken two more. but i have more lugia content in my lugia folder than i originallh had before. mochy has been to almost every hospital visit and most of my early appointments at the job centre and thus has a tendency to become dirty on their nose wings and feet , they are a splayed and hardly streamlined shape unlike what is depicted in animations and reference sheets that i cant put on here because they are on my phone. any way i put them through the wash in a special washbag for delicate objects (mochy is a delicate object) and now they are clean. thats great.

20220127 16:14

16:00 already. i barely woke up two hours ago. i've been trying to move my sleep schedule back from when i was on citalopram (evil) and would sleep from 19:00 - 19:00 the following day, or whne i had my stims prescription (evil) and would misuse them to stay awake through the night, which was sometimes an attempt to "correct" the sleep pattern. nothing worked until i tapered off citalopram completely, but even now i'm barely able to wake up to alarms. at least now i'm consistently waking up at 13:00-14:00; hoping to get it to 09:00 eventually or else i'll really fucking suffer once i manage to "get a job" in order to "become a useful member of society". i used to be a very light sleeper and it never took more than one alarm to wake me up. spending the year in the worst environment i could put myself in in this city while on a deceptively evil drug and attempting to ride out COVID and recover from a highly stressful series of years by being a benefit scrounger and NEET has completely changed me as a person for the worse. i feel like this is information i need to include in my first "blog" post because having consumed my life since 2020 i don't know where else to start

j is watching pokemon original series raws that i put on the wii sd on our overpriced and faulty CRT monitor. i can't stand the pokemon anime, but the charming art style from the 90s(?) show without the american dub makes it really nice to have in the background. last night i spent two hours on ambien trying to get other video files (medarot, digimon adventure) to play on wiimc-ss with no success, which freaked me out after i realised so much time had passed (ie. had been wasted, as i was on ambien getting utterly confused every few minutes and not actually solving the problem like i'd otherwise have been able to lol).